In leadership a great deal of emphasis is placed on how you speak and project yourself – your gravitas, your presentation skills, communicating vision, engaging an audience, and having the courage of your convictions. Of course all of these aspects of ‘outgoing communication’ are important.
Much of the time as a leader, you want to generate action – you want people to do something, to produce results. Effective action won’t happen without commitment. Action without heartfelt commitment will just be ‘going through the motions’ which is unlikely to be sustained or to produce the results and outcomes you want as a leader. Gaining real commitment from people is almost always about a two way dialogue – a conversation. The response, the feelings and the energy of the other person or people are important. So as a leader, your ability to listen is also key.
Most of us don’t listen very deeply. Listening is often a basic mechanical process of transferring facts from one person to another. This is perfectly adequate for many day to day situations. But it doesn’t enable us to influence people.
Stephen R Covey in his book ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ said
‘Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours communicating. But consider this: You’ve spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual’s frame of reference…..
If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me – your spouse, your child, your neighbour, your boss, your co-worker, your friend – you first need to understand me…
Unless I open up with you, unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel me…. You may say you care about me and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But how can you appreciate me when you don’t understand me? All I have is your words and I can’t trust words’
If you consider the people in your life that have had a great influence on you and have created that kind of heartfelt commitment, it is likely that you felt that person understood you and was willing to listen.
Here I put forward a way of understanding listening. This was developed first by Laura Whitworth et al in their book Co-active coaching but applies just as well to leaders
Level 0 – Not listening – This comes in many forms
As human beings we can tell if someone is not listening and it can be profoundly frustrating. It is often the source of conflict, disengagement, low morale, even sabotage in the workplace
Level 1 – Internal listening – or ‘busy head’
We listen but our attention stays mostly on ourselves – we are disconnected from the other person
Good relationships are a two way street, with an equal exchange. Dialogue like this feels like a one way street, with the needs of only one of the people being met.
This is particularly difficult in conflict situations when people say ‘I hear what you’re saying, but….’
Not the best ground-bed for cooperation and commitment
Level 2 – Focused listening – this is where listening starts to be effective
This kind of listening has a huge effect on a relationship. People feel respected. Things move on and get done. People feel more empowered, more intelligent and creative
Level 3 – Empathetic listening
Most people don’t develop this kind of deep listening unless they are particularly skilled, or love the other person enough!
Nancy Kiline in her book ‘Time to Think – Listening to Ignite the Human Mind’ wrote
My mother’s listening was not ordinary. Her attention was so immensely dignifying, her expression so seamlessly encouraging, that you found yourself thinking clearly in her presence, suddenly understanding what before had been confusing, finding a brand-new, surprising idea. You found excitement where there had been tedium. You faced something. You solved a problem. You felt good again.
She was there with you, riveted, fascinated by what scintillating phrase might tumble out of your mouth or what idea you might think of that might take her breath away. The process was so supple you did not stop to notice it. You just enjoyed it. In fact it wasn’t a process to her. It was just the way life was
She simply gave attention. But the quality of that attention was catalytic. It would be forty years before I would understand the power of what she was doing
I was lucky enough to have someone who listened to me in that way as a teenager. I always felt he was interested in what I had to say. He never treated me like a child. I remember always feeling good about myself and more confident in his presence. When he died and there was a memorial service, more than 300 people came along. The place was full of young actors, actresses and specialists that he had given encouragement in their early career. I realised that the listening skill he always showed to me enabled him to be a massively influential leader. Listening wasn’t a technique, it was who he was!
Do you remember having someone listen to you that way? Do you remember how you felt about them? Do you remember how you felt about yourself when you were with them? And what that enabled you to go on and do as a result? Can you imagine what effect that kind of listening could have on your relationships as a leader?
So next time you want to influence someone to be committed to something or to act to create results, have your awareness not just on what you say, but how well you listen. You will be amazed!
